That one Time I wrote Jesus a Letter – Excerpts from my journal

Disclaimer: Personal blog post ahead.

Confession: Sometimes I question Jesus; I question my faith and I question the reason behind it all. I am glad, though, that Jesus can handle ALL.OF.IT!!! (I had to use multiple exclamation marks there so you know it’s an exclamation statement – I don’t even know if that makes sense. Hahaha). Sometimes, when I go through those phases, I am reminded that He says, “test me in this”. Yes, yes, I know He was talking about a different kind of test but it all involves faith, right?

Spoiler alert: He has proven himself 100% of the time.

Anyways, here goes an excerpt from a letter I wrote to Jesus (insert monkey hiding face emoji here).

 

I want that… “ooh he just gave me a hug” type of love. The love that gives me goosebumps when I think of you. Oh, no, wait… Butterflies. I want butterflies. Yes, yes, I want that goosebumps AND butterflies when I think of you kind of love.

 

I want that AGAPE -type business. That, I don’t care what you do for me, to me… I don’t care what you don’t do, even, but I just want to love you, to be loved by you, to please you. I want to serve you with every ounce of my being.

 

I want that, “running through my mind all day” love. The “all my dreams have your face in them” type of deal… My best dreams with you by my side, my worst dreams with you coming to the rescue.

 

I want that, “dreams and reality intertwined” kind of love. The “ride or die”, total trust, no fear when I’m with you kind of love.

 

I want it… But, you gave it to me already!!! I say I want it but I keep looking every other place for it. Every other place but you. (Insert sad face emoji here. haha). I say I want to give it to you but my actions say otherwise.

 

I say I want you, claiming the love is real… But I am constantly asking, “where are you at though?” I say I trust you, your judgement through the Holy Spirit, your plan and your leadership but I don’t act it.

 

You tell me you have the best plan for me, I say I ain’t listening. You say you died for me – and you would do it all over again – I tell you to “talk to the hand”.

 

I want you, I want to love you like you loved me. I want to serve you, no questions asked. You say, “make your desires known to me”. Mine is to know you more.

 

You say, “delight yourself in me”, I say “teach me how”. Teach me how to walk in faith! Teach me how to love my neighbor and serve like you served. Walk with me…

 

Walk with me in the valley of the shadow of death… Walk with me in the green pastures. Eat with me at the table you have prepared for me… For US… YOU… ME… US

 

I want more. I want more… I want more than I’ve had before. Lord, I want so much more!!!

 

How about that for Monday motivation! My prayer – and hope – is that we are all constantly wanting more…

“As the hart pants and longs for the water brooks, so I pant and long for You, O God.”

-Psalms 42:1

 

I’m Going To GUATEMALA!!!!

In T-18 days I’m headed to Guatemala!!!Whoop Whoop!!!!! Words cannot even begin to describe how excited I am for this trip, how expectant I am for all that God is yet to do and how, on the flip side, that adds one more region on my travelling directory. (Everyone has one of those right?)

The Background Story

      Coming into college, I had a lot of reservations. For one, the State, no one seems to know where Oklahoma is and if they do the only reason is they have heard about the tornados down here. Surprise!!! I was anxious about the church: Would I find the ‘right’ church (‘right’ in inverted commas because, truth is, God exists and works regardless of where you go to church because the Holy Spirit lives in you, yah?)? Would I WANT to go to church – and in that (sorry dad) a part of me felt like I had gone to church enough growing up and “maybe I should take a break because the parents won’t know”. All those anxieties were dealt with, Thank goodness.

 

The Right time

      In my anxieties being dealt with, a lot of “me” was changed, grown and matured, especially in this past year (note: my year runs July to June. yay college life).I think, more than any other, it has been a year where God has worked on my heart, mended some things, tore down some walls and awakened some dreams. And man, was that hard!!!I think sometimes when you are made to realize things about yourself that you didn’t think were there, there’s a lot of denial, maybe some anger and finally, when you do accept it all, there is a lot of running away. At the end of the day though, I CONQUERED!! And coming out of this past year, this trip marks an end and a beginning – An end to fear and holding back, an end to hiding behind walls and boulders. It marks the beginning of walking out in faith, believing for the impossible, taking God’s vision and running with it ~ head on!!!

When Jesus Says yes (It’s a song)

      So it might sound like the perfect picture right – it’s all good, you decided to go on a mission trip and then you go. Easy right? Nope!!! (Hopefully) I am not the only one who hears God tell me something and then find a million reasons why He didn’t really say it. For me it was things like, “I’ve never been on a mission trip so it’ll be better to wait”, “I don’t speak any Spanish, what’s the point”, “I’m not at the right place with Jesus (or Spiritually even) to go on a mission trip”. The list is endless. And then there was, of course the big one…DRUMROLL… Money. Hey, I’m a broke college student, I had to take a summer class and those Benjamin’s don’t come by that easily. Rationally, if I was going to ask my parents for that much money, it made sense to go home to Swaziland for the rest of the summer. I couldn’t send support letters either so, in my head, I really just had to raise my mission trip money on my ace one way or the other.
           Fortunately God has already seen it fit for me to go, and when the big guy says something has to happen, it happens. I have been blessed over the last month or so to see money coming in from different places to support my trip. I have seen people give generously, some of them people I haven’t even had conversations with about my trip. It has been so, so humbling to have people reach out like that. It is hard to express in words the emotions that I have felt: the appreciation, the awe, the “I’m overwhelmed by this generosity I might cry”. Each one of the people who have partnered with me has again reminded me of God’s goodness, of his love and just even how he paves all our ways.

All that to say, money has been coming in from places I didn’t expect and it’s awesome!!!!

Countdown Things

           As the day approaches, I get more excited. Excited about the group that I get to go to Guatemala with ~ somebody say AHHHMAZING TEAM!!!! Excited to see the team get fully funded, IT’S GONNA HAPPEN!!!Excited to partner with Jesus, UHHH YES!!!!And reminded, daily, to trust him, listen an obey!!!!

GUATEMALLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAA aaaIIIIIIII!!!!!

“Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding.In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6 [AMP]