AKA thoughts of an insecure pretender.
Hi, my name is Nosi and sometimes my insecurities overwhelm me…
Ok, ok. That might be too much for you, so you can stop reading right here. Or not, that’s totally up to you. I am, right now at this moment (lol, gotta clarify there just so you know.hahaha), battling to write this post because heck, how does one even start? Does one even start?
Issues of the mind
I remember getting into the habit of sticky notes and mirror writings in college. Affirm yourself, they said, that’ll make ALL insecurities go away… And affirm I did – all day, every day. I remember having a conversation with a roommate my sophomore year. It was all well and good but it definitely threw those sticky note affirmations out the window. Thanks roommate, you tried.
Oh, oh… Or those counseling sessions. Yes!!! If you’ve ever gone through counseling, you know how exhausted you can get after the session. It’s almost as if you feel something, and nothing, at the same time… Your perspective changes but, then, you realize you are taking skeletons out of the closet that you vowed you’d never take out. So you stop, you quit… Moment of silence for us people who quit counseling because we “just couldn’t even”!!
I have been reflecting on insecurities a lot these last few weeks, I sat in the car and cried over Covenant worship’s “I am loved” the other day. I was there on some, “hold on, Holy Spirit. Why are you tugging at my heart like this” tip. See, we get so used to pretense, sometimes, we start to recognize it as a reality… Because alternate realities are so cool, right?
We get into a habit of putting our identity on things… On people. That break up that makes you feel inadequate, unlovable…. That comment a colleague – or a boss – makes that makes you feel like you will never be enough or do enough at your job… That “F” grade that has you thinking you may never make it out of college – and Lord have mercy if that happens, the list is endless.
I turn 25 in a couple of days and, as I deal with my mini quarter-life crisis (the devil is a liar y’all. hahah), I am learning to re-evaluate where my identity stems from. See, I have been going through an identity crisis so long I can’t even trace it back to a “start”. I have a case of “my heart, my mind and my soul have been fighting so long they are not even sure what the fight is about” *insert rolling on the floor laughing WHILE crying emoji here* (someone needs to come up with this emoji). I am re-learning what it looks like to put my identity on the Lord. I mean, I am spiritual like that, so for me realignment means going back to the source.
Hello there, Source
I am re-learning what the source says in regards to affirmations. I am unlearning what my mind has taught me, too. I am learning that a smile on the outside can not be healing if it does not come from a smile on the inside. I am learning, that, my identity doesn’t come from affirmations by others – that is all well and good but what use is it if the source is not affirming me. I am learning that my job, degree, $$ in the back account (Lord knows if that was the case then it’d be Nosi = 0 and affirmations = immeasurable level of winning – aka I would be losing at the affirmation game).
More than anything, I am learning that the source is ALWAYS affirming me, which is the COOLEST.THING.EVER because that simply means I don’t even have to stress about it!!! Sure, it is not an overnight thing but I am learning.
I am dedicating my 25th year of living to dealing with my identity crisis and embracing the source more than ever.
So What is the Point?
I read over this post 3 – maybe 4 – times before this last paragraph and thought about deleting the whole thing but I am posting it. Posting it because I know that I am not alone. I know that there is at least one other person out there who walks with a load of insecurity on their shoulders but seems like they have it all together. I am posting it because, sometimes, it is a relief to know that you’re not the only passenger in the struggle bus.
So, wassup comrades, I am here! How about we tackle this load together and see where it leads. Here’s to 25 – a year of finding (and walking out in) my identity. Insecurities have no power!!!
“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow–not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.” – Romans 8:38