Letter of Imperfection

November 27th, 2017

Dear sir/madam,

I am writing this letter in response to the “Perfection is overrated” position. I saw the quotation, “the more perfect people appear to be, the more they’re probably suffering, beginning with you” and I feel my qualifications make me a great candidate for this position.

The socially constructed perfection meter made me this way. No, I did not wake up like this. I definitely wasn’t born like this – granted my mother did call me the perfect cupcake so I don’t know if that counts *insert shrugging emoji here*. Forgive my use of emoji statements, there were no emojis for me to use and, did I mention I was imperfect? I have, time and time again, highlighted my imperfections but – from the outside – the perfection meter seems to rank me high on the “pretending to be perfect” indicator.

Religion (or should I say the legalistic aspect of religion – I almost went on a tangent, forgive me sir/ma’am. I’ll bite my tongue) has given me a label I cannot accept. Some seem to think I have my spirituality in check, look at me successfully pretending *flips hair*. I do realize, however, that I am flawed. I am a fallible creature with faith in an infallible God, constantly in need of Grace. Thankfully, this infallible God is willing to give me new Grace and Mercy every morning. Trust me when I say – ma’am or sir –  that if it wasn’t for the constant Grace and Mercy, I would have a front row seat to hell. I would probably have the master key even. Side-note, I still could have a free pass there as I write, being the imperfect sinner that I am.

I have created internal perfection rubrics that are simply impossible to achieve. See, what I did is, I mixed the social constructs, the religious expectations and the cultural success determiners to create an idea of the perfect me. I told me what I have to become, created a timeline, and constantly beat myself up when I miss the mark. If you do not agree that I am the perfect candidate by now, then I don’t know what you want.

Here’s the kicker though, I have said “MISS ME WITH THE 100% QUALITY”. If anything, this alone should be what gets me this position. I want others to see my flaws, because what human doesn’t have any. I want to be an imperfect human being and display the scars and bruises, followed by an extrapolation of the lessons received as a result. I have decided, success isn’t getting to 100%; it is merely moving further away from the 0% mark. The final destination? INFINITY (let me know, sir/ma’am, when you find someone who has reached infinity).

Benjamin P. Hardy says this of success: “success is continuously improving who you are, how you live, how you serve, and how you relate”. Sir/Ma’am, I have even left you with a powerful quote here. You really should just give me this position already.

I am not trying to be perfect, just successful. For me, this means constantly being better than I was yesterday and the day before… And I’m down with that.

Sincerely,

IMPERFECT SUCCESS SEEKER

The thing about insecurities

AKA thoughts of an insecure pretender.

Hi, my name is Nosi and sometimes my insecurities overwhelm me…

Ok, ok. That might be too much for you, so you can stop reading right here. Or not, that’s totally up to you. I am, right now at this moment (lol, gotta clarify there just so you know.hahaha), battling to write this post because heck, how does one even start? Does one even start?

Issues of the mind

I remember getting into the habit of sticky notes and mirror writings in college. Affirm yourself, they said, that’ll make ALL insecurities go away… And affirm I did – all day, every day. I remember having a conversation with a roommate my sophomore year.  It was all well and good but it definitely threw those sticky note affirmations out the window. Thanks roommate, you tried.

Oh, oh… Or those counseling sessions. Yes!!! If you’ve ever gone through counseling, you know how exhausted you can get after the session. It’s almost as if you feel something, and nothing, at the same time… Your perspective changes but, then, you realize you are taking skeletons out of the closet that you vowed you’d never take out. So you stop, you quit… Moment of silence for us people who quit counseling because we “just couldn’t even”!!

Identity crisis

I have been reflecting on insecurities a lot these last few weeks, I sat in the car and cried over Covenant worship’s “I am loved” the other day. I was there on some, “hold on, Holy Spirit. Why are you tugging at my heart like this” tip. See, we get so used to pretense, sometimes, we start to recognize it as a reality… Because alternate realities are so cool, right?

We get into a habit of putting our identity on things… On people. That break up that makes you feel inadequate, unlovable…. That comment a colleague – or a boss – makes that makes you feel like you will never be enough or do enough at your job… That “F” grade that has you thinking you may never make it out of college – and Lord have mercy if that happens, the list is endless.

I turn 25 in a couple of days and, as I deal with my mini quarter-life crisis (the devil is a liar y’all. hahah), I am learning to re-evaluate where my identity stems from. See, I have been going through an identity crisis so long I can’t even trace it back to a “start”. I have a case of “my heart, my mind and my soul have been fighting so long they are not even sure what the fight is about” *insert rolling on the floor laughing WHILE crying emoji here* (someone needs to come up with this emoji). I am re-learning what it looks like to put my identity on the Lord. I mean, I am spiritual like that, so for me realignment means going back to the source.

Hello there, Source

I am re-learning what the source says in regards to affirmations. I am unlearning what my mind has taught me, too. I am learning that a smile on the outside can not be healing if it does not come from a smile on the inside. I am learning, that, my identity doesn’t come from affirmations by others – that is all well and good but what use is it if the source is not affirming me. I am learning that my job, degree, $$ in the back account (Lord knows if that was the case then it’d be Nosi = 0 and affirmations = immeasurable level of winning – aka I would be losing at the affirmation game).

More than anything, I am learning that the source is ALWAYS affirming me, which is the COOLEST.THING.EVER because that simply means I don’t even have to stress about it!!! Sure, it is not an overnight thing but I am learning.

I am dedicating my 25th year of living to dealing with my identity crisis and embracing the source more than ever.

So What is the Point?

I read over this post 3 – maybe 4 – times before this last paragraph and thought about deleting the whole thing but I am posting it. Posting it because I know that I am not alone. I know that there is at least one other person out there who walks with a load of insecurity on their shoulders but seems like they have it all together. I am posting it because, sometimes, it is a relief to know that you’re not the only passenger in the struggle bus.

So, wassup comrades, I am here! How about we tackle this load together and see where it leads. Here’s to 25 – a year of finding (and walking out in) my identity. Insecurities have no power!!!

 

“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow–not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.” – Romans 8:38