New Year’s Resolutions? Aka the thing I’m not doing (Part 1)

Woah, January is over already and I am shook! Seriously, I am trying to figure out where all the time went. It feels like yesterday was Christmas (which may explain why I still find myself humming Christmas music – sorry not sorry). Tomorrow (and maybe today for you) will see the start the month of love – hold me back before I attack someone in love why don’t you – and before you know it it’ll my birthday again (flips hair). You know you look forward to that holiday-not-a-holiday day, don’t deny it. Anyways, before I go on a tangent on that (or write a whole paragraph on the year going by quickly) let me tell y’all how I am not making New Year’s Resolutions this year.

I am not doing it. That’s it. Done. FULL STOP!!! End of post. Lol… That could very well be all I need to say about that but of course, I won’t stop there. I realized this post was going to be long so this’ll be part 1. I know, I know, I don’t have a good track record at the part 1 part 2 thing but I promise I’ll do better this time. Hahaha…

I am not making New Year’s resolutions because:

1- I have ALWAYS failed at them

Here’s the truth, I’ve tried to set new years resolutions countless times (except last year. Last year I was like, whatever and just went with the flow… I failed at NOTHING but succeeded at nothing either so was it really a win?). Anyways, I have tried setting NYRs every year using different strategies (because I am a millennial I have to shorten New Year’s Resolutions to something more palatable. You are welcome). I have tried:

(a) The “use a marker on the glass surfaces” method which, I won’t lie, was great. I saw what I was working towards ALL THE TIME!!! It also gave me some “Being Mary Jane” moments – without the fancy wine – so I felt like it was going somewhere. The truth is, this method worked for longer (read as I tried somewhat successfully for 3 months ) to motivate me to work towards my goals. It just got weird when people came into my room. I kept imagining what they thought when they saw “close your mouth when you sleep” written on my bedroom window or “resist, resist, resist” on the wardrobe mirror… I am just kidding, this had never really been a thing I’ve been trying to stop. Hey there future husband, I sleep with my mouth open so you better be prepared to deal with it.

(b) I tried the “write it in your planner” thing and Lord knows I LIVE by my planner... That helped, it really did. Not as much as using a marker but better than (c). It also gave me a reason to buy decorative stickies and glitter markers so everything looked pretty. You are more likely to work at goals when they look pretty right? Or so I thought. I got good at it for a month. I’d write out my goals onto the next week, repetition for memory right? Unfortunately, I missed one week of doing that and that was the end of it. It had me hating my planner, too, because it was a reminder of my failure at keeping my NYRs.

(c) The “mental NYRs”. Y’all, I don’t know why this was the method I tried the most because who gets things done if they are in their head. Don’t act like you don’t know what I am talking about, you know EXACTLY what I mean because I can bet you have done it too. Maybe not necessarily with NYR but you may have done it with homework, a work project, that person you’ve been meaning to text for 3 months now (which reminds me, I have to send a couple of texts after I post this). If you are going to front and pretend you don’t know what I am talking about, let me break it down for you. Mental NYRs were when I thought things and was like, ok this is my New Year’s resolution. I didn’t write it down, I didn’t create a plan for it, I didn’t even think about it for longer than 5 minutes every now and again. Yep, that’s what those are. For the longest time, I thought surely my resolve was good enough to get me to keep my NYRs. I was wrong. The worst part of it was, I didn’t even REALLY know what I had failed to achieve because there was no tracking mechanism.

I can, honestly, go on and on about the ways I have tried to keep NYRs over the years but I’ll stop there. Hopefully, if you are on the NYR route, you know what not to do now – lessons from my mistakes, you are welcome.

2- I didn’t Resolve SMART

Raise your hand if you’ve heard of SMART goal setting? No, No? Ok, I’ll give you the break down here in a second. I always thought this was for “the heck of it.” Like, we said it when we were talking to people about planning their future just so we can go by the book and sound smart. See what I did there? Well, I didn’t resolve SMART, ever.

I had all these things I was hoping to achieve, right? Sometimes written down, sometimes “written down in my head” but not really.Now, back to SMART right, this was an acronym that my father started using with us around the last few years of primary school. Can I pause right here and say, if I took ALL of my father’s advice, I would be so far in life. Thanks, dad, I see what you meant now. Ok, ok, back to SMART. So the S means SPECIFIC, what is it that you are trying to achieve? Straight up, be specific. M is measurable, can you measure this thing? A attainable, can you get to it? R is realistic. Now, this is where I give my face a high five. Y’all, if I had used this I wouldn’t have made that “I will be married by my next birthday” statement a couple of years ago when I was 1- Not sure if I REAAAAAAALy wanted to get married and was 2- as single as a nun (even Nuns are married to Jesus so I guess I was on the other side of that single **insert shrugging woman emoji here**). T is for timeline, you need that if you are going to achieve something right.

So there, I failed at my NYRs because they were simply unrealistic and I bet you the “smarter” part of my brain was looking at the other side of my brain and thinking “girl you are so dumb.” On the upside, my failure at SMART resolutions is a lesson worth learning right?

3- I did not track my habits

Picture this: you decide that you are going to run 3 miles a day. You are like, yep, I will run 3 miles a day but you are going to build up slowly.  So you start running on day 1 of this “new journey.” The only problem is, you have no way of knowing how many miles you are running. You just run and stop when you are tired. Weeks later, you are like, I don’t know how many miles I run daily. Isn’t that dumb? Don’t answer that, I might be touched by your response. Welcome to the story of my life.

I was reading an article on medium a few weeks back that put this into perspective. It argued that in order to know how far ahead (or off course) you are, you need to have a tracking mechanism. You need to know how you are plotting your life. You NEED a GUIDANCE SYSTEM!!! Say that with me, guidance system, guidance system aaaaand one more time guidance system!!! The thing is, when we don’t correct the tiny things that take us off course, we are more likely to continue going off course and, thereby, getting further away for the route we want for ourselves.

So that was major problem number 3. I didn’t know how far I was working from and therefore couldn’t strategically route myself as necessary. I look at this now and I am like, why would you live like that Nosi? The truth is, I didn’t even realize it was an issue until I looked back. I have tried to fix it though, I am a work in progress but I am doing better. Now, I track EVERYTHING. I get on a scale every morning, I try to read for an hour every day so I have a tracker of how many minutes I read, I track my water intake, my social media hours, the amount of time I spend on self-improvement every day. Y’all, I even track how often I go to the bathroom!!!! Just kidding, just kidding, but maybe I should (makes mental note.hahahah).

Rita Mae Brown writes, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.” Y’all, I already have a certain level of craziness going on in this head of mine, I don’t want insanity taking over and so this year I decided to do something different. We shall see where that leads me.

Getting wisdom is the wisest thing you can do! And whatever else you do, develop good judgment.” – Proverbs 4:7 [NLT]

 

**Watch this space for Part 2**

1 Lesson a month – excerpts from my “A lesson a day” Collection

*AKA OBLIGATORY NEW YEAR POST

Sooooooooooooooooooooo…..Drumroll……. We are OFFICIALLY, OFFICIALLY WITHIN TWENTY-ONE-EIGHT (That’s 2018 for anyone who didn’t get that!). Why do we get so excited about a new year? Well, I don’t know *insert shrugging emoji here* but we do so hey… I am excited to be seeing another year and I am excited to grow further – and deeper – this year…

Well, while we are at the growth thing, I figured why not partake in this “new year, new slayage” excitement and share some of my personal “quotes to live by”… Well, not really, you can live by whatever you want to live by… But, here’ are 12 quotes for every month of twenty-eighteen (I don’t know why I just typed the year out like that but oh well).

(*) Indicate Nosi thoughts because you know I had to add some Nosi thoughts to everything, right? ahaha

January

“Whenever we frame our problems as things being done TO us we fall prey to the trap our ego has set for us” – Ayodeji Awosika

*Don’t let your ego define your purpose. You’re not the victim fam!!!

February

“Love gets messy and in order for a relationship to work, the people involved need to learn how to handle their own unique brand of messy” – Stella J. McKenna

*Aka stay out of people’s relationships this year… Just kidding… More like, relationships don’t have a one-size-fits-all approach. If you’re in it, be in it to win it and work your butt off for it!

March

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation, but your thoughts about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking” – Eckhart Tolle

*Your thoughts matter, the things you think about the most will be amplified

April

“Start your day with your number 1 priority” – Benjamin P. Hardy

*This is motivation y’all. One way to be excited about waking up in the AM is knowing that the first thing you’re going to do is the thing that is central to everything else.

May

“Find your boundary – then push it” – (Y’all I can’t remember who wrote this one)

*Ask yourself, how far do I think I can go? Then work at getting far beyond your predictions. Overdeliver, for yourself

June

“The normal Christian life is one of energy, enthusiasm, faithful effort and patient hard work” – N.T Wright

*Translate this across the board with ALL you do

July

“As long as you are living you’ve got to keep moving, keep trying, keep rising up” – Chef Leah Chase

*There is no room to be stagnant, you are above that.

August

“You will not always be successful at getting it right but keep trying” – John W Gray III

*Failing a couple of times is not a reason to quit

September

“Be willing to wait” – John W Gray III

*Speaks for itself, the best fruit comes when you wait. Think fine wine/triple distilled whiskey… You get my point.

October

“Everything you do with no real purpose is a waste of your precious time” – Thomas Oppong

*Ask yourself what the purpose/ your purpose is before you do anything. Then, ask yourself if the “thing” you are about to do aligns with your purpose

November

“Stand by your dreams. Embrace them. Believe them, and don’t let anyone mock you for them” – John Westenberg

*Dream loud, dream wild, then go ahead and live your dreams

December

“Don’t put your life off. It takes a while to figure things out. But that doesn’t mean you should quit” – Darius Foroux

*Simply put, today might be rough but it’ll get better IF you work at it.

Bonus quote

“No matter what you want to achieve in life, your actions must back up your words. If not, you will never achieve anything [worthwhile]” – Darius Foroux

*If you want to achieve something, put in the work

One more thing…. As we get into the new year, let us never forget that EVERY SINGLE DAY is a good day for us to press the restart button. It’s fun to set “New Years Resolutions”, aka the thing that I am not doing this year, but I hope that we never let a mere clock dictate how we live our lives!!!

P.S. I know someone out there was waiting for “that thing part 2” to come through, my bad fam…. My bad

That Thing – Part 1

I just looked at the title of this blog and I am like, woah… that is so original….Not…. Ok, granted it is a follow-up on I am DOING.A.THING!!!! so I guess it counts? Please tell me it counts… *insert kneeling and begging emoji here*

I am about halfway through my negativity fast and I thought I’d share an update. I have been keeping a “fasting journal” of sorts and, maaaaan, this is seeming harder than I thought it would be… Needless to say, I am going to tuck my tail between my legs and share the journey… There’s grace and freedom, right?

 

Woah there pessimism!!!

I learned a new word over the last couple of weeks… Pessimism. I’m just kidding, it is not really a new word. I did learn, however, that pessimism can be the root of so much negative talk. Let me explain: We constantly see the glass as half empty or, worse yet, we see the glass as an additional thing that the system is using to prevent us from moving forward. Just think about that for a second.

Pessimism is HIGHKEY the root of bitterness. Nothing amplifies this more that the writer of Hebrews.. No, seriously, look at this:

“See that… no root of resentment (rancor, bitterness, or hatred) shoots forth and causes trouble and bitter torment” – Hebrews 12:15 [AMPC]

Lesson 1 of the negativity fast: Pessimism breeds negativity which breeds bitterness, avoid it at all costs!!

 

Freedom = No judgement zone

If you know me, you know Freedom is probably in the top five list of my most used words! Yes, I believe in freedom! I believe in one’s ability to be who they are without fear of judgement whatsoever. One of the practical guides for my fast was, “do not criticize others for being negative. Not everyone will be where you are.”

I thought this would be, by far, the easssssiest part of the practical applications. Boy, was I wrong!!! I am learning, in this period, what it means to create a safe space for those around you. Avoiding criticism does not just come from merely declaring your space a safe – and judgement free – space. It is starts internally! It starts with the thoughts you have, the internal analysis of the situation and that, friends, is easier said than done.

Lesson 2 of the negativity fast: Create a mental space of freedom. Cultivate a mind that is welcoming of all… Let your thoughts create a “safe space” before your words say it

 

Self-Introspection is key!!

Keys, keys, keys!! I’ve got the keys!!! Well, just one key!. Y’all, on day one, I did so good during the day and basically blew up in complaints when evening came… On day two, I typed a text and had to delete it… On day 6, I just couldn’t do it and – if you can read my journal entries – I pretty much just wrote “can we restart tomorrow.”

One of the biggest lessons from this month will be the importance of being aligned with your inner energy for sure. I can say, without a doubt, that I have become more introspective over the last couple of days. I pay more attention to my words, and thoughts, to ensure that what I say is uplifting to myself and those around me. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that there will always be an element of negativity. I will also be the first to admit that a vent here and there is healthy.

 

Lesson 3 of the negativity fast: Self-introspection, self-introspection, self-introspection!!!

 

First half, done… Second half, loading

LET IT BE KNOW THAT DAY 9 WAS THE FIRST DAY OF A 100% SUCCESSFUL FAST DAY. I had to put that out there just so y’all know life is a hit or miss. I made it out of day 9 alive, I was so proud of myself – you couldn’t tell me nothing… Day 10 was also the same. I am learning to celebrate the small victories through this. It is proving harder than I thought it would be… It takes 21 days to create a habit though, right? Which means, by the time this month ends, I will be the queen of positive vibes!!!

“But we’re not quitters who lose out. Oh, no! We’ll stay with it and survive, trusting all the way” – Hebrews 10:39 [MSG]

I am DOING.A.THING!!!!

Sooooooo, I am doing a thing!!! I hear you right now, looking at your neighbor and being like: “what thing is she doing.” Yeah, I see you. Don’t act like you didn’t just ask that…. And I know your curious mind has you over there murmuring, “what thing are you doing Nosi?” So I will tell you. Wait for it….. It’s almost here….. Here it is….. (Ok, y’all don’t even understand the smile that was just brought by the last few lines!) I digress, my apologies…..

I AM GOING ON A NEGATIVITY FAST!!!

Maybe going is not the right word since I have already started this fast. Let’s just put it this way; I am fasting negativity this month. I know, you’re probably thinking what the???? Or not. Maybe you’re just thinking, “you actually have to fast that?” because you have negativity in check. Well, if you are thinking the latter then can I schedule a coffee date with you so we can discuss how you managed to be this person!!!

Why a negativity fast?

It’s December (duh) and the year is almost over (also, duh)…. Cue Christmas plans, lamentations on how terrible (or great) the year has bee, reflections on the top stories of the year. I mean, you know how we all get when the year comes to an end. I believe, strongly, in the power of introspection and am constantly looking within to see where I am and where I need to grow.

Truth be told, this year hasn’t been terrible. If I start to think about it, there have been several depressing moments and events but the good outweighs the bad. In the midst of that, however, I realized that I had developed some sort of negative vibe and was on some “Nosi – you are not this person. Get it together!” So, as I approach a new year, I decided I need to cleanse myself the best way I know why. *insert meditating person emoji here (do they have those?)*

Tell me more!!!

I knew it! I knew you’d want to hear more about this fast!!! I did some research online (by research I mean I really just typed “negativity fast” and ran a google search. hahaha) and felt like the following plan was the best route to go. Feel free to join in on this fast, it’ll be exciting to share the stories after. *wink, wink*

The Plan

Abstaining from…

1- Talking about situations and people with a negative viewpoint

2- Pessimistic expressions about people and circumstances

3- Critical talk about myself and others

4- Complaining of ANY KIND

5- Negatively gossiping about others (gossip nje – ain’t nobody got time for  that)

6- Using sarcasm to hide my negative and bitter views*

*Between you and I, this will probably be the hardest for me.

 

Intentionally Focus on…

1- Meditating (For me this’ll be focusing on my relationship, and intimacy, with God)

2- Meditating on, and speaking out, thanksgiving and praise

3- Declaring who God is and who He says that I am

4- Speaking life, love and hope to myself and others

5- Speaking solutions and calling forth answers to problems

6- Focusing on what God is doing in my Life

Practical Applications…

1- Start and end every day with thanksgiving and personal declarations

2- Abstain from watching, listening to, or reading media that fosters negativity

3- Limit my use of social media

4- Each time I am tempted to be critical of someone, I will speak kindness over them

5- Be intentional not to let negativity dictate the atmosphere around me

6- Practice forgiving people quickly

7- Spend time laughing each day

8- Bless every place I go with hope

9- Do not criticize others for being negative.

Some more resources…

If you do decide to join me, here are some additional resources. Also, halla at me so we can keep each other accountable.

Mark Dejesus at markdejesus.com

ignitinghope.com

Letter of Imperfection

November 27th, 2017

Dear sir/madam,

I am writing this letter in response to the “Perfection is overrated” position. I saw the quotation, “the more perfect people appear to be, the more they’re probably suffering, beginning with you” and I feel my qualifications make me a great candidate for this position.

The socially constructed perfection meter made me this way. No, I did not wake up like this. I definitely wasn’t born like this – granted my mother did call me the perfect cupcake so I don’t know if that counts *insert shrugging emoji here*. Forgive my use of emoji statements, there were no emojis for me to use and, did I mention I was imperfect? I have, time and time again, highlighted my imperfections but – from the outside – the perfection meter seems to rank me high on the “pretending to be perfect” indicator.

Religion (or should I say the legalistic aspect of religion – I almost went on a tangent, forgive me sir/ma’am. I’ll bite my tongue) has given me a label I cannot accept. Some seem to think I have my spirituality in check, look at me successfully pretending *flips hair*. I do realize, however, that I am flawed. I am a fallible creature with faith in an infallible God, constantly in need of Grace. Thankfully, this infallible God is willing to give me new Grace and Mercy every morning. Trust me when I say – ma’am or sir –  that if it wasn’t for the constant Grace and Mercy, I would have a front row seat to hell. I would probably have the master key even. Side-note, I still could have a free pass there as I write, being the imperfect sinner that I am.

I have created internal perfection rubrics that are simply impossible to achieve. See, what I did is, I mixed the social constructs, the religious expectations and the cultural success determiners to create an idea of the perfect me. I told me what I have to become, created a timeline, and constantly beat myself up when I miss the mark. If you do not agree that I am the perfect candidate by now, then I don’t know what you want.

Here’s the kicker though, I have said “MISS ME WITH THE 100% QUALITY”. If anything, this alone should be what gets me this position. I want others to see my flaws, because what human doesn’t have any. I want to be an imperfect human being and display the scars and bruises, followed by an extrapolation of the lessons received as a result. I have decided, success isn’t getting to 100%; it is merely moving further away from the 0% mark. The final destination? INFINITY (let me know, sir/ma’am, when you find someone who has reached infinity).

Benjamin P. Hardy says this of success: “success is continuously improving who you are, how you live, how you serve, and how you relate”. Sir/Ma’am, I have even left you with a powerful quote here. You really should just give me this position already.

I am not trying to be perfect, just successful. For me, this means constantly being better than I was yesterday and the day before… And I’m down with that.

Sincerely,

IMPERFECT SUCCESS SEEKER

#FakeItTillYouMakeIt*

*Or, Excitement over Fear – Faith equations

So I will be Twenty-Five in a Few days!! By few days I mean 10-ish, I’ll be 25 in 10 days (really, it’s 11 but 10 sounds cooler than 11 so yah)!!! I was telling my older sister how I’ve never been this excited about a birthday before and felt kinda weird but it is what it is hey. Go big or go home. I, hopefully, will be this excited about birthdays in the future too but hey, who knows. I have said it before (if you follow me on social media, that’s where I’ve said it – before you start asking me, where Nosi? Where did you say it “not now but before”? hahahah – also that last statement in quotes makes no sense but it is funny to me so I’m keeping it). Anyways, what I’ve said is:

I am looking forward to the best 52 weeks of my life!

I had/have to own my 25th birthday! No, seriously!! I saw myself slowly drifting towards anxiety and depression because “twenty-five is the peak and it’s only downhill from here”; because I always thought I’d be all figured out at this point: Finances, checked… Future husband, checked (future because in my grand 5 year plan he would be in the picture but we would be moving towards that husband place – Oh how we dream)… Dream career, check… That second degree, check… The list goes on and on, we can sit down and talk for the rest. Hahahaaaa. Anyways, I almost reached the (oddly expected) quarter life crisis. So, while I was watching myself watch myself get to that place I decided NO!!! I am not about to be about that life and I am not about to be the stereotypical young adult going through a “darn you social constructs for messing with my mind” place. I decided I would channel those emotions somewhere else so…. Here are some reasons I am excited for the BIG.TWO.FIVE

 

1 – I AM EXCITED FOR A NEW START

Yea, yea… God’s mercies are new every morning, I know… The New Year is for clean starts, I know… Any day is a good day to start again, I KNOW!!! It is more than that though. I believe that I am at some sort of peak. I have an idea of how messed up the world is but I have also seen how beautiful it can be. I have made my childish errors – don’t get me wrong, errors will definitely still be made – and I have learnt lessons from them. I am at what many call the peak of my young adult life (by many I really just mean my mum, or you if you agree).

I am a YOUNG ADULT!!! Goodness gracious!!! No, seriously!!! At 21 you are barely legal, 22 is just a weird age and at 23 and 24 you are figuring out how to put one foot in front of the other but…. At 25!!! Good Lord!! You have made most of the mistakes you’ve made: in love, in friendships, in family, in regards to yourself. Trust me when I say I have ticked off a lot on my “not to do” list that I didn’t realize I had. Hahah… I have failed at love, I have failed at being a good friend, I have messed up at being a good daughter, a good pastor’s kid, a “good” Christian. I have done my fare share of messing up and I am ready to press the refresh* button.

*REFRESH AND NOT RESET BECAUSE I WANT TO KEEP THAT SEARCH HISTORY FOR REFERENCE WHEN I AM GOING THE WRONG WAY. *insert giggling emoji here*

 

2 – I AM EXCITED TO EMBRACE ALONE-NESS

I discovered this year that I love being alone!! I really do!!! I moved into my first “adult” apartment, by myself and goodness gracious!! There is something to be said about getting into your own space – a space that you can mold into whatever you want – and be ALL.THE.WAY.FREE. Like, you can come home and be yourself. You get to make (and break) the rules, you get to define the atmosphere and you get to create something!! You, ALL.YOU!!!

I always thought that I was a lot more on the extroverted side. Assertive, yes, but more chirpy, come-alive-in-the-crowd type. I am slowly learning that rejuvenation happens when I am by myself. I gain my energy that way, my creative side flows and my dreams find a way into my conscious. Alone-ness has allowed me to realize, in my head anyways, dreams I had forgotten about and some that I never knew existed. It has allowed me to create new ones, too. I have seen how small, and big, the world is as I spend time by myself. I am learning what makes me come alive, what gets me excited, what drains me! It is safe to say that I have discovered more about myself in the last few months than I did most of my college life.

 

3 – I AM EXCITED TO DREAM

Y’all, I am realizing the beauty of dreaming with God!! Seriously, looking at hopes and goals, and recognizing that they are possible has set my heart on fire in a way I never thought I’d experience. Sidenote, you are never too old to pursue your dreams. You are never too young either. The universe works in your favor and, once you set your mind to it – and work tirelessly towards it – it will happen.

So, this coming year, I am about to dream my wildest dreams. He says that he cares about the things I care about and I am ready to see if he really meant that. It is sad that we get to a place where we forget the things that brought us excitement when we were younger, the things that we thought would just happen simply because that is what we wanted. Oh, how I pray that I develop the heart of a child (not the mind though, I’ll keep an adult mind. lol).

 

4 – I AM EXCITED TO TRAVEL

If you know me, even a little bit, you know I LOVE, LOVE traveling!!! I haven’t done that enough this year though, so I am doing better next year – they do say do all the traveling while you are young and free right? I am currently at 31/50 in American states and 4/7 in continents and would love to see that increase. I am excited to learn how to create time to travel and explore with a work schedule that doesn’t always allow me to. Hopefully this year we can make it 40/50 in American states and Asia, I am coming for you next.

 

5 – I AM EXCITED TO WALK EVEN DEEPER IN MY PURPOSE

Learning what your purpose is a beautiful thing… Walking in it, now that is amazing and hard at the same time. This year has been a year of revelation in as far as my purpose is concerned. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I still wouldn’t tell you much. I sure would tell you more than I did last year though, so that counts right? Hahaha… The fun thing about purpose is, in my opinion anyways, it is constantly being refined. It is like being at the optometrist and going through the letters, the letters never really change (aside from your optometrist moving to the next one) but your ability to see them does. The different lenses allow you to look and, as the right lens comes into play, you get to seeing the letters or numbers just right.

I am learning that I have to go through the lens selection process. My purpose is unchanging but my viewpoint changes from seeing one angle and then another. I see what I have matured enough to see. The purpose stays the same but my maturity is the lens-selection process. Until I find the right lens, the purpose will be blurry! As someone who wears glasses, I know that the lenses selection process can be both scary and exciting! I refuse to be scared, I choose to be excited.

And that, right there, is pretty much it – the reason I am so excited about twenty-five. I REFUSE TO BE SCARED, I CHOOSE TO BE EXCITED!!! So here’s to an amazing year ahead!!! Let the countdown begin!!!

 

*Disclaimer: 31 Is a guesstimate. I haven’t been too good at keeping track, I just know I celebrated when I made it to 25 – then I stopped counting

#25andfeelingFINE

The thing about insecurities

AKA thoughts of an insecure pretender.

Hi, my name is Nosi and sometimes my insecurities overwhelm me…

Ok, ok. That might be too much for you, so you can stop reading right here. Or not, that’s totally up to you. I am, right now at this moment (lol, gotta clarify there just so you know.hahaha), battling to write this post because heck, how does one even start? Does one even start?

Issues of the mind

I remember getting into the habit of sticky notes and mirror writings in college. Affirm yourself, they said, that’ll make ALL insecurities go away… And affirm I did – all day, every day. I remember having a conversation with a roommate my sophomore year.  It was all well and good but it definitely threw those sticky note affirmations out the window. Thanks roommate, you tried.

Oh, oh… Or those counseling sessions. Yes!!! If you’ve ever gone through counseling, you know how exhausted you can get after the session. It’s almost as if you feel something, and nothing, at the same time… Your perspective changes but, then, you realize you are taking skeletons out of the closet that you vowed you’d never take out. So you stop, you quit… Moment of silence for us people who quit counseling because we “just couldn’t even”!!

Identity crisis

I have been reflecting on insecurities a lot these last few weeks, I sat in the car and cried over Covenant worship’s “I am loved” the other day. I was there on some, “hold on, Holy Spirit. Why are you tugging at my heart like this” tip. See, we get so used to pretense, sometimes, we start to recognize it as a reality… Because alternate realities are so cool, right?

We get into a habit of putting our identity on things… On people. That break up that makes you feel inadequate, unlovable…. That comment a colleague – or a boss – makes that makes you feel like you will never be enough or do enough at your job… That “F” grade that has you thinking you may never make it out of college – and Lord have mercy if that happens, the list is endless.

I turn 25 in a couple of days and, as I deal with my mini quarter-life crisis (the devil is a liar y’all. hahah), I am learning to re-evaluate where my identity stems from. See, I have been going through an identity crisis so long I can’t even trace it back to a “start”. I have a case of “my heart, my mind and my soul have been fighting so long they are not even sure what the fight is about” *insert rolling on the floor laughing WHILE crying emoji here* (someone needs to come up with this emoji). I am re-learning what it looks like to put my identity on the Lord. I mean, I am spiritual like that, so for me realignment means going back to the source.

Hello there, Source

I am re-learning what the source says in regards to affirmations. I am unlearning what my mind has taught me, too. I am learning that a smile on the outside can not be healing if it does not come from a smile on the inside. I am learning, that, my identity doesn’t come from affirmations by others – that is all well and good but what use is it if the source is not affirming me. I am learning that my job, degree, $$ in the back account (Lord knows if that was the case then it’d be Nosi = 0 and affirmations = immeasurable level of winning – aka I would be losing at the affirmation game).

More than anything, I am learning that the source is ALWAYS affirming me, which is the COOLEST.THING.EVER because that simply means I don’t even have to stress about it!!! Sure, it is not an overnight thing but I am learning.

I am dedicating my 25th year of living to dealing with my identity crisis and embracing the source more than ever.

So What is the Point?

I read over this post 3 – maybe 4 – times before this last paragraph and thought about deleting the whole thing but I am posting it. Posting it because I know that I am not alone. I know that there is at least one other person out there who walks with a load of insecurity on their shoulders but seems like they have it all together. I am posting it because, sometimes, it is a relief to know that you’re not the only passenger in the struggle bus.

So, wassup comrades, I am here! How about we tackle this load together and see where it leads. Here’s to 25 – a year of finding (and walking out in) my identity. Insecurities have no power!!!

 

“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow–not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.” – Romans 8:38