Okay, okay… I know that “30 years later” is also how long it has taken me to blog. My bad. Life has been lifing in its own special way but ke, we move. Every day I remind myself that every has a different life journey… Cliché, I know but it’s true. With that, everyone has their plans and dreams, they also have their own dissapointments. One thing, though, is that it is never too later (and it will never be too late, to evaluate where you are and check on those goals. I have gone down this path 30 years – of course 8 of those I probably had absolutely no idea what was going on – and I can assure you, I am still trying to figure things out. I am trying to figure things out professionally (I changed careers/professions at the beginning or 2022), in love, in serving, in family, in my spiritual life, in my friendships. The list is endless. There are so many big “life questions” that need answers but, as I accept that I won’t get it any time soon (if ever) I am understanding that there is a lot of freedom in accepting the process as it is: I am still learning and growing
I am getting more comfortable with the unknown
My favourite version of all time is Provers 31:25. A friend of mine got it made for me a few years back and I have had it in my living room since, wherever I move to. The verse talks about a woman who laughs without fear of the future. I am not that woman. I want to be that woman. As an excessive planner, I like to have 200 alternatives and want to be prepared for all possibilities when I embark on a journey regardless of how big or small. I think that planning has become part of my identity to a fault. I want to always have a clear vision and endpoint. The older I get, the more I realise that, even here I am still figuring it out… “Dear Milo, it’s okay” I tell myself as I grapple with my desire for finality. The future is uncertain and the more I fall fast and fall forward, the more I can be comfortable with the unknown direction I am taking. I am learning to be comfortable with the moment and know that I will be okay whatever happens. I try to continuously take inventory of my anxiety about the unknown, about my future.
I am taking inventory of my past, present, and future
So last year I was elected into a position (two actually) that I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT WANT!!! Listen, knowing myself, I knew that I wasn’t ready for the responsibility, the commitment, and the life that was expected of a christian leader. The process of acceptance took a while and I had to do A LOT of soul-searching in the process. My doubts about my past, I had to think about those. My present life and the doubts I had at the back of my head. Yep, had to think about those too. My future plans… Eish, there were decisions that I had planned for that I needed to pause on. One thing I realised in that process was the necessity of looking back at where you have come from – what you have accomplished and where you have failed – to get a clearer understanding of what brought you to your present and how your future might shape. The process of “self-checking” has become even more important for me in my early 30s and, as hard as it is, it has allowed me to stay honest with myself and to be realistic about the timelines for my goals.
Introspective for forgiveness
One thing that being honest with myself has done is allow me to forgive myself. Taking inventory continuously allows me to see where I messed up today, yesterday or years ago and then find ways to use those mistakes to make me a better person. As I said, I am realising that I am still figuring things out and that I will always be figuring things out. So forgiving myself means that I am kinder to “Nosimilo”, that I give her grace and that create room for growth. My perspective of things and, especially myself, has changed and – funny enough – the process of forgiving self has also meant that I am quicker to course correct. Mistakes happen and, 30 years later, I am still figuring that out.
I am learning and growing
The last year, and the last few months have been uncomfortable. However, taking inventory and accepting the uncertainty has allowed me to set new goals where necessary. It has allowed me to take a step back and channel myself away from feeling pressured. It is teaching me how to better trust my intuitions and let go of some of rigid expectations I have. It is teaching me that learning can be fun and that the present is best enjoyed when you fully live in the moment. 30 years later, I am still becoming… 30 years later I am still unlearning and relearning… 30 years later I am still learning what it means to constantly seek joy and alignment with my values. There are new possibilities are had and I know that 30 years later… I am still figuring it out.