(But why does it seem like I am always making confessions. Oh, well *insert shrugging woman emoji here*)
Is struggler even a word though? Auto correct didn’t try to fix that so I guess it is. I got excited for a second thinking maybe I just created a new word for the “Nosi dictionary”. For 2 weeks, I contemplated a post on falling in love… Evidently that contemplating didn’t get me anywhere with that. Heek, heek. You’ll just have to watch this space for that post now. Don’t get too excited though, you might be disappointed.
But then, as I was sitting at my desk today – because Monday’s are hard and you zone out some times – I had a thought… Which led me to this post. Anyways, this is a blog-reflection on the last couple of months because the struggle has been real y’all (can you tell I’ve been in OK a while? That time autocorrect corrected me but we will just ignore that).
You know you go through college with some idea of where you want to go, who future you will become. It starts off with that degree for the parents (you know what I’m talking about, don’t be fronting). Then it is the “where would I like to be in a year, 5 years, 10 years and maybe even 20” … You have a plan; it is constantly being tweaked but it is there.
I think that is where my self-worth struggles come in. I have a plan, some days it feels like I HAD a plan, and the process and movement towards the goal seems to be getting slower and slower. Please tell me you’ve experienced this somebody, anybody? Anyways, in this – my struggle – I am learning to embrace the stalled plans. I am learning that there is a purpose for every step that we take. I know, trust me I know, that we are constantly evolving and I remind myself often.
So, to anyone that can empathize, embrace the worry. Actually, scratch that, DON’T YOU DARE EMBRACE THE WORRY!!! I heard something a few weekends ago that put worry into perspective for me. It was this, “if you worry, you assume that God can’t handle your situation”. I was there like, ok! ok! ok! I will back up Lord!! Worrying assumes that you don’t trust the one who made you, or closer yet, that you don’t trust yourself. (Shame on you if that is the case. Ok, not really because I go through phases like that all the time).
But seriously, if your self-worth doubts are anything like mine, that is, based on where you think you are supposed to be versus where you are right now… STOP FRETTING!!!! I am NOT, I repeat NOT, saying this lightly but seriously!!!! That is why we believe in a higher power right? So that the higher power can deal with our worry? Ok, maybe that’s not why but you see what I am saying… TRUST YOU FUTURE SELF!!!
Now, Now, Now… I like my job – some weeks I like it more than others and some week less. But man, sometimes the struggle gets real!!!
The root cause again, surprise surprise, is my initial plan for that BS (BS as in the degree before you get carried away). Hahahah. See, I always thought future Nosi would be saving the environment one experiment at a time *Insert Dexter’s lab soundtrack here*. For real though, I loved any time spent in the lab and I came alive in my environmental law classes – yes I was the student who asked all the questions and stopped you from having a 20-minute lesson because the professor didn’t have anything to add #sorrynotsorry.
I still have dreams of going to grad school and pursuing environmental ish at a higher level – hello there DR. Khumalo!!! I mean, scratch dreams because that assumes it is all in my head, let’s just say I have a goal that I am taking baby steps towards. IT WILL HAPPEN!!!
I think sometimes we are convinced that once we get that degree, that BS, we will get right into our “dream jobs”. FALSE, FALSE, FALSE!!! Ok, maybe some people are blessed like that but I am learning that we should not bank on that… So some days I struggle with seeing how my tiny steps will get everything to come together, how I will get to the final goal. Also, I have tiny feet so that doesn’t help. Hahaha
I am, however, learning that the small beginnings are preparation. If you had told me a year ago that I’d be working my current job, I would have laughed in your face and told you “I’m a scientist excuse me”. I am not, by any means, saying my current job is small. It is not. Every day brings its own challenges and I am continuously challenged professionally. Corporate America needs to come with a “Handle with care” label, or did I miss it?
Believe me when I say that my professional demeanor has been nurtured immeasurably over the last 4-ish months. But wait, there’s more. I feel like my job encourages my personal growth daily and enhances my understanding of people in general. The more I learn, the more I see growth, the more I realize that every day is making me better. Look at that, I used a group of three for emphasis, my English teachers would be proud.
Ok, I digress. Every position that we are in, at any stage, is an opportunity for trimming. You know how that works right? Trees (and hair even) need to constantly be trimmed so that they can grow better and healthier. I am slowly becoming the best future Nosi environmental-world-changer-extraordinaire!! To anyone in the same place, recent graduates even, please and please take any place you find yourself in as an opportunity to learn and grow. Don’t despise the place that you’re at, it is preparing you for something bigger and better.
Age struggle – Hello 25
Y’all, I guess you know my age now!!! So my half-birthday just passed and I am officially 24 ½ +… Shhhhh, I’m still 21 till I die though. Growing up, I used to see 25 as sooooo… old. I think that our culture – or should I say my culture – had me thinking that I had to have my life all figured out at 25. Spoiler alert, my life is not figured out.
People that I spend a lot of time with will tell you that I’ve been going off about that 25-yrs issue way too much. It is lowkey scary!! I don’t even have a stable savings account, and I’m still trying to figure out how a 401-K works. So, to everyone who told me 25 was the alt-get-your-ish-together age, thank you for adding struggles to my life! (I love you though, mama. Hahahaha).
On that, though, I am creating my own path and Lord have mercy on anyone that tries to tell me what color pebbles I should use to set it up. I encourage you to do the same there – granted you better be working on getting your stuff together too. It just doesn’t have to be all locked down by 25.
(P.S. If you have it on lock down or HAD it all figured out by 25 please halla at me, I NEED to know how you did that!!)
Well, that is my Monday truth y’all. Here’s to struggling together until we don’t have to struggle anymore!! We’ve got this!!!
“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?” – Luke 12:25-26