Tears Dry on Their Own

635903153360772396358155644_support-systemYep, this is one of those “why am I being too honest to the world” kind of days. I have been stuck in the living room for two days and the weather – apparently – is beautiful outside. I have seen the sun through the blinds and I stopped myself from self pity by typing up a blog. Yep, one of those days… Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Today marks my one-week footversary!!! Haha!!! Background my foot found itself under the wheel of a car and it wasn’t pretty… One week ago, I was counting down to my birthday… One week ago, I was thinking about how my birthday would be a week long celebration this year because 24 is the last year I will not be thinking about the socially constructed expectations that come with your age. You know, where’s the man at? Where’s the job at? Where’s the accomplishment at? 24 will be the last year I get to live like a college student and make college-student type decisions.

Yesterday I cried. I kinda don’t know why, I kinda know, you know those type of cries right? I spoke to my best friend about feeling unaccomplished. I told her how I felt like the Khumalo ancestors had turned their back on me. I reiterated the struggles, the failures, the mishaps, all the negativity that I felt at that point. Yesterday I cried. I cried for my foot that has to go through soft-tissue therapy for 2 weeks, I cried about the crutches I have to use, the help that I often need to get from one place to another. Yesterday, I cried because I realized I couldn’t do anything on my own!!!

On my own, by myself, a struggle. Yesterday, I should have laughed. I should have laughed as I realized that the last week has been filled with check-ups, food deliveries, phone calls, texts, snaps, sit-in aid, numerous “An African City” binges (believe me when I say I’ve watched the first 3 episodes of the 2nd season FOUR TIMES!!). I should have laughed as I realized how many people are on my side, how many people will “take care” of me without pausing to think about it. I should have laughed at the devil, at negativity, at any lie that tells me I am on my own.

Today, I almost cried… but then I smiled. I smiled because I realized 23 has been GREAT. Great not because it has been filled with good but great because, more than any other year, I needed people more than ever. Great because I have seen, and continue to see, people fight for me when I didn’t think I am worth fighting for, when I wasn’t willing to fight for myself and, more than anything, when I tried to pretend that there was no need to fight.

I am thankful for 23. Thankful for moments that broke me (who would have thought a heart could be broken twice in one year. Let’s just laugh at that), thankful for my degree(s) regardless of the tears that came with that. I am thankful for the job hunt (y’all, I’ve applied for 100+ jobs– the process is really humbling), thankful for the travels I got to embark on and the people who made those travels worthwhile.

Today, I choose to smile. Tomorrow I will choose the same! And the next day, and the next. Today I made a decision to recognize that I need MY PEOPLE, that my life would be so much less worthwhile without them. Today, I choose joy and positive vibes only!

“Smile! Especially in the most frustrating moments and you will unlock a whole new realm of positivity” – Curiana

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